The Thoughts Of An Ordinary Girl

thegameofnerds:

Throwback Thursday: Boy Meets World edition 1994 and 2013

No one really reads my tumblr so im just typing.

This post isnt a cry for pity, or am attention seeker but simply my thoughts

Lemme tell you being in your young 20’s is no easy job. Bills need to be paid. Multiple jobs consume your everyday life and life is hard.

Recently because i chose my jobs and peoples needs over my own i lost myself and the love of my life. When i say love of my life i mean friend. No romantic tagline but i lost my soulmate. I lost my Christina to my Meredith. My Will to my Grace.

I hate my life without them but I was hurting them and forever i will live with regret, what if’s..and what nots.

People say you’ll move on and sure he already has and im sure one day i will. He isnt on tumblr so thats why im typing this. ITs just a shout into the void of internet uselessness.

They say over time it will heal and although it might he is and always will be irreplaceable. im in a chapter in my life where i have lost all that ive know and while thats okay it sucks knowing that i got caught up in being a good friend to everyone i hurt the one who mattered most to me.

He still makes me cry when he sings.

I cried on sunday when all i wanted to do was watch a favorite movie of hours and cry and laugh.

I cant have a glass of wine without wanting to cry because that was our thing.

i guess…i guess what im going through is my very first heartbreak.

When you read novels or watch movies you think youre first heartbreak is going to be because of some douchebag boy who only wanted to sleep with you or cheated on you blah blah blah.

My first heartbreak is this. I did it myself because i chose jobs and guilt trips from others over the 1 person who meant the most.

Growing up is hard and so is heartbreak but ill always love this person. This was my doing and i guess thats the hardest part knowing i caused this person so much hurt.

The past 14 days have been the same

I either sleep in my current room or my car at night depending on how tired I am to drive
I clock in at Starbucks at 4:00am work until 10:30am clock in at regal at 11:45-8:00pm go to my grandmas grave before the cemetary closes at 9pm…and than go to bed..
I never thought at my 20s this would literally be my life and all I have…
Depression is something I’m coming to turns with that I’m battling and I am fighting against my it…no matter how dark the clouds get blue sky is near…at least I hope